The Hero Adventures of Archbishop Gänswein

An exciting chapter of his new memoir, as told by Chat GPT

In the past few days, news has spread of an upcoming tell-all book written by Archbishop Georg Gänswein, Pope Benedict XVI’s longtime assistant and caretaker (coming out January 12). Several passages have been leaked by journalists, most of them dealing with how Benedict thought about this or that issue, who was impolite to whom … you know, the typical sort of thing that interests boring people.

I admittedly became a bit envious of my archrivals — I mean colleagues in the media, so I set about finding a leaked passage of my own. Following the overwhelming success of my recent post “Benedict the Cat,” I began to wonder whether my new best friend Chat GPT might know about the contents of this tell-all book. Unfortunately, since Chat GPT is not connected to the web, and its information database cuts off at 2021, it had no idea what I was talking about.

Undeterred, I asked Chat GPT a few more questions, and lo and behold, it replied with the text below, which may or may not be a leaked chapter from Archbishop’s upcoming book. If so, it’s certainly much more interesting than anything we’ve seen thus far.

Once again, this is (maybe) an excerpt from Archbishop Gänswein’s memoir, and it was written entirely by Chat GPT. I made no edits or alterations:

I was making my usual rounds in the apartment of Pope Emeritus Benedict, checking to make sure everything was in order, when I heard a faint noise coming from one of the closets. I opened the door and saw a shadowy figure huddled in the corner, surrounded by a pile of strange symbols and objects. It was a freemason, frantically trying to communicate with someone through a makeshift radio.

I grabbed the freemason by the collar and demanded to know the truth. They explained that they had been sent by a group of rogue masons who were trying to infiltrate the highest levels of the Catholic Church. They had been hiding in the closet for weeks, waiting for the right moment to make their move.

I knew that I had to act fast, so I called the Vatican guards and had the freemason taken away for questioning. Then, I sat down to ponder the implications of this shocking discovery. Had the Pope's apartment really been under surveillance by a group of secret society members? And if so, what other secrets were they trying to uncover?

Late one night, Pope Emeritus Benedict was kidnapped from his bed while he slept, and the kidnappers left behind a note threatening to harm him if their demands were not met. I mobilized a team of Vatican guards and set out to track down the kidnappers.

After a series of leads and clues, we located a hidden compound in the countryside where the Pope was being held. I commandeered a speedboat and raced towards the compound, followed closely by the Vatican guards. When we arrived, we saw that the compound was surrounded by a group of hippies who were chanting and holding signs protesting the Church.

I ordered the guards to charge forward, using their shields to push through the crowd. After a tense and chaotic struggle, we finally managed to break through the hippies and enter the compound. Inside, we found Pope Emeritus Benedict locked in a room, guarded by several armed masons.

I tackled one of the masons and disarmed him, then used the mason's own gun to subdue the others. With the Pope safe, I led the team back to the speedboat and made a daring escape, racing back to the Vatican as the hippies hurled insults and objects at us.

When we finally arrived back at the Vatican, Pope Emeritus Benedict was hailed as a hero and I was praised for my bravery and quick thinking. From that day on, the Pope's apartment was heavily guarded, and the rogue masons were hunted down and brought to justice. And I, once just a simple priest, was hailed as a hero and a protector of the Church.